No Wimpy Parenting, Part III
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By VANESSA W. SNYDER
Sometimes there’s not enough of something, like discipline or relationship-building, as discussed in the previous entries on wimpy parenting. But here’s a case where there’s too much of something in raising our children.
The whole notion of “express yourself and share your feelings” has gotten out of hand.
Where is the line between allowing kids to express themselves and teaching them to respect us as their parent? I think it might be getting blurry, because I’m pleasantly surprised whenever whenever my students or children say “yes ma’am.”
I’m not a stickler for “yes ma’am,” but I find myself having conversations with my kids — mine or others — that would have landed me a sore behind at the very least. Once again, I think the wimpy parenting monster has taken over and we just can’t go out like this.
Once again, I consulted my dear friend who doesn’t seem to put up with anything from her child. “I don’t tolerate sucking of the teeth, eye-rolling, sighing in exasperation or any of that,” she says.
So what does she do when her 10-year-old slips up? “I ask him what the appropriate response is and he knows what that is,” she says. It’s “yes ma’am” or “yes sir,” and if he has difficulty remembering, she sends him to his room to help his memory. On occasion, she plucks him in the mouth. Her husband doesn’t approve of that tactic, but she’s determined that their son learns to respect authority.
“There’s a right time and a right way to express yourself,” she says. “When I ask him to do something, he needs to simply do it right then. We can talk about his feelings about it later.”
I really think she has the right idea. Sometimes I’m sure I’m having an out-of-body experience when I hear the things coming out of kids’ mouths, mine included. Maybe it’s the smart-aleck kids on TV who have desensitized us to the way our children relate to us. Maybe we’re just too tired to deal with the disrespect and we let it slide.
Remember when “no” was just “no” — with no backtalk?
Neither can I. Ever heard or experienced “first-time obedience?”
I believe it’s important to communicate with kids honestly and respectfully. I also believe that parents and authority figures should choose to explain decisions when appropriate.
However, there is a line of basic respect that we must insist our children do not cross. We shouldn’t ignore eye-rolling, muttering under the breath, walking away or any visible sign of disrespect. When we do, we are setting them up for authority issues in the future with teachers and employers.
Part of growing up is learning to control your emotions, even when you don’t like what’s being said to you. Kids simply have to learn to keep it together, even if they’re angry.
Of course the flip side of that is parents should model respect and appropriate responses to others. Kids are watching.
We all know that the old adage, “Do what I say, not as I do,” is pretty ridiculous.
VS
